You Can Live Without This

Rarely am I so inspired by a product that I post an entire press release announcing it. And I am not so inspired today.

Instead I am sharing an insane, rambling email from a mulleted Milwaukee man named Randy Flann, who is breaking his bank on the notion that people will shill out their hard-earned money to wear sporting-themed kegs of beer on their heads.

After the jump, the full email complete with bold and underlined material.

MILWAUKEE MAN MAKES DRINKING AND GRIDIRON FOOTBALL INTO SO MUCH FUN!

Bring your unique Flair for the Big 10, NCAA, AFL, and NFL Football with you, by using your head!

During the Gridiron Football season, you can be ahead above the other football team supporters dotting stadiums everywhere with the RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear, perfect for displaying your team’s colors, logo, favorite player’s number, and this particularly preferred perfect sports magazine. You’ll be the MVP Beverage Miesteur of the Gridiron Football Enthusiasts as you wear and use the RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear.

I’m, the inventor, RoFo, Madman Flann, a.k.a. KEGHEAD and the combustion for the High Octane NFL Fan. Each RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear is made of Food Grade Quality Plastic: POLYETHYLENE (PET; Polyethylene terephthalate). Dimensions: 9½ inches height, 11 inches diameter. Applyable Polyurethane Recess Inner Liner Swatches for personal hat size adjustment. Empty: Unit weighs approximately 1½ pound. Full: 2 liters; 67.6 fl. oz. Holds 5 ½ to 6 - 12 fl. oz. cups (6 pack / 6 pint). While on the head, weighs about 4¾ pounds. The RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear is a Nonalcohol Beverage Container. This statement protects RoFo Enterprise, Corporation and I against frivolous lawsuits pertaining to the unwarranted use of alcohol associated with the product – including freedom from consequential or indirect responsibility of its misuse. Family Friendly Product. Appropriate for children 16 years old and older. My other RoFo Headgears are perfect to fill the additional needs of any sports junkie, from baseball, to soccer, to hockey, to racecars. Checkout my website: www.RoFoHeadgear.com.

RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear retail price per unit (like all the various RoFo Headgears) is just $29.95, U.S. currency. The Trademark, Marketing Term, and Inventor’s Synonymous name RoFo derives from my initials: RANDALL “Randy” FLANN - R●F● = RoFo. The two os are actually… hollow periods. Pronounced RōFō. Its Worldwide Renowned Slogan: RoFo Headgear - the only hat that gives good head… of foam!

The entire RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear is a wearable lightweight plastic oval shaped jug that is on the head for maximum efficient portability and effective hands-free ambulation of the wearer. Its colors are solid for maximum surface display of a Fan’s team colors, name and information. Attached are photographs of the RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear with me demonstrating how it functions. Each contains the RoFo FOOTBALL Motific Spigot. Notice… the embossed painted white acrylic laces on the football container, and the painted multi-colored small gridiron football figure on the plug. Proud owners of the RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear know the appearance… is great for self-expression displaying and bolstering thier team’s and this magazine’s symbol!

One-Size-Fits-Most. When worn… the wearer’s head acts as a fulcrum for the encircled beverage. The beverage act as a liquid gyroscope - finding its own level of gravity during the gyrations and twisting of the wearer’s head. While worn on an individual’s head, a second person can simply operate the spigot, and dispense a beverage. In addition, the RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear is great for tailgate parties, at picnics, on the beach, at Gen Con, at the races, or at an intimate soirée. Hubba, Hubba, Hubba!!!

Way before the regulation game and long after the victory celebration is ancient history; your thirst-quenching Hat Trick (three or more goals scored in a game by a single player) will make you the BEVERAGE QUARTETBACK. The aphorism will be, “You know why OUR FOOTBALL team smoked (to beat another player in an impressive manner) their FOOTBALL team. It’s, the RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear – the only hat that gives us far superior head… over the opposition!”

Your Readers will think they won in the Super Bowl of available Football Gadgets when RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear is pictorially featured in your globally recognized sport specific magazine. Moreover, my acute awareness of your magazine’s stellar reputation and regarding my own respect for its analytical journalism, I am sure that the enclosed information about my RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear will hold merit, amuse, inform, stand out and be note-worthy of such a color pictorial news feature in your prestigious… prestigious publication.

Your magazine interacts with its readers, as it not only informs, enlightens and instructs, but also increases, encourages and inspires the Reader’s own creative perceptions and unrealized potentials. I truly thank you for that added motivational savoir-faire, for allowing me this important opportunity, for your patience and time in considering the enclosed for publication. You and your staff may call me at any time, sincerely, ANY - TIME. Randy Flann, international telephone number (011) 414-383-5328.

Upon request, I will mail you a RoFo FOOTBALL Headgear Press Release CD-ROM Specifically Modified to your Periodical’s Subject Matter, Focus and Significance. Again, Thank you… and have the BEST DAY that you, you, can create.

With a Flair of being Unusual, an Appetite and Appreciation for the Finer Things –

Stay individualistic,

Mad (The Slightly Insane Yank) Randy Flann ;-)

RoFo Enterprise, Corporation


P. S.
I also designed a RoFo Bachelor and Bachelorette Party Headgear… but those are a little bit too BLUE and sticky to mention.

Ed Note: Since RoFo said call ANY TIME, call at 2 am and ask "Why did you use PET over Enhanced PET for the product material?"